Robyn, If You're Reading This, You May Want to Stop!

Train of thought running through my head last night:

Can't sleep...Spiders'll get me
Can't sleep...Spiders'll get me
Can't sleep...Spiders'll get me
Can't sleep...Spiders'll get me
Can't sleep...Spiders'll get me...

If you haven't guessed it, I'm a little on the arachnophobic side. But I didn't think it was within unreasonable limits. The little ones don't bother me. It's the big honking ones that come out at just about this time of the year. You know, those huge fuckers that like to wear your shoes. Why is that unreasonable?

Anyway, after a good hour of fretting about the huge land-octopus (as my sister likes to refer to them), I finally decided to do something about it. I got up, put on a big pair of shoes without any holes in them, found another shoe that I was never gonna wear again, and opened the door to the front entrance. There it was, this huge spider just sitting there on the wall. Sam (my cat) followed behind me, but quickly took the lead. He found another one hiding in ambush just a few steps away. A mighty battle ensued. Who would win? Sam or the radioactive spider? Sam chased it. It ran in terror. Nothing could beat this black furball of death! Sam dispatched of him quickly with tooth and claw. In the end, the spider was nothing but legs sticking out of a triumphant Sam’s mouth.

But there was still the intruder on the wall to deal with. I was already for it, but it was ready for me as well. It slunk into a corner where it thought it would be safe. I approached cautiously, shoe in hand. After a long moment of psyching myself up, I lunged…. And missed! It had gotten itself in that corner better than I had thought.

I hastily retreated to a safe distance where I watched it cautiously. It was time for a larger arsenal. It was time to bring out the insecticide! But there was one problem…My bug killer was for fleas and ticks. Would it be enough to take out my opponent? “To hell with it,” I thought.

Again, I approached cautiously, spray in hand. When I got too close for my own comfort, I sprayed that sucker. It began to move, and I retreated once more. It had been smoked out of hiding. I prepared the mate to the first shoe, which had failed, for its revenge upon the evil eight-legged freak. The shoe’s justice was swift and silent…Just the way it likes it.

The battle was over, and Sam and I were still standing, not a mark on us.

The End

“Victory is mine!!” ~ Stewie, Family Guy